This blog post is about my rape and how I was silenced and silenced myself because of the online interactions I had with my rapist and his friends afterwards. I was 16 at that time. I’m now 22, proudly out, and I only very recently started to fully understand and process what happened to me; mostly because of what I read and what people shared with me on feminist blogs and Facebook groups. I’m finally making progress with my depression treatment and I just changed majors to psychology! I Hope to be doing something good for women in the near future.
The day after I was raped, I got home and I had a Facebook friend request from my rapist. I also had many other friend requests from all the people that were there that night, and I had been tagged in many pictures. On those pictures I was laughing, I was holding beer cans, I was sitting on my rapist’s lap, there were many people looking happy, drinking, kissing each other, there were a lot of sexy bikinis and drunk smiles.
I accepted all the friend requests, liked some pictures, wrote some comments and smiled. What a great week.
Said rapist immediately wrote me:
“Hey babe! Last night was dope! Hope you got home safe, Skype soon?”
Wait, I thought, maybe I’m confused? Turns out I was not raped? I don’t feel like I want to Skype with you, or see your face ever again for the matter. I think you did something bad to me.
“Hey dear! Yes, yes it was ☺ Yes, let’s talk soon! Hugs.”
Someone took my necklace, I was sure, it was firmly tightened around my neck, like it had been for 2 years. Now I had only a slightly reddish bruise in its place. I also had bruises on my hips, bite marks on my thighs and breasts, I had blood on my panties and cuts and burns inside my vagina. Maybe I like it really rough when I’m drunk? That’s unlikely, I had never had sexual intercourse before, I had never even seen a penis in real life or been naked with someone else. I had never had sex before. How could I have consented to something so violent and that I did not know or remembered anything about? Did I have someone else’s genitals inside me at some point? I don’t thing I wanted that.
“Hey Maria! What’s up? Didn’t get a chance to say bye last night! Heard you were with Said Rapist?? Details!! Kiss.”
Oh, yes, Kathy, I guess I was with Said Rapist. I don’t have any details, do you? Didn’t you see us leaving the party? I was drunk, he was trying to take me back to my room and I didn’t want to, I even broke a lamp on our way out. You guys were still sitting on the couch, you were laughing. Kathy, who was that person I saw in the morning? I guess she was the one spreading the good news? I asked for help. She patted my shoulder and laughed,
What a crazy night!
Yes, it was crazy, I don’t have my shoes or my phone, I’m physically hurting, I have a strange taste and feeling in my mouth. Can you help me? Said Rapist is not here. I was with him, wasn’t I? Yes, maybe we got drunk together and decided to have sex in the garden, I forgot. Yes, maybe he left still drunk, also confused.
Okey, thanks Kathy, I remember now, I was just confused.